Ridiculous List Number Two: How To Deal With Insecure Girls

1. Affirm the rumor, and add your own twist to it. "Yeah, I cried on your doorstep... of laughter because you pooped yourself on the bus." or "Yes I kissed that boy... he smelled like Cheetos and it was awesome."
2. Act like the person who talks about you behind your back the most is your BFF. Make it extremely awkward for them. At the same time, it'll make them look like an ass for being mean to you "behind your back".
3. Start a reverse rumor. This is awesome especially when a girl is malicious in her rumor-ing. (Warning: low blow)
4. Become friends with all your worst enemy's friends. This will alienate her into seclusion and she will shut her face because she has no one else to gossip to about you, and this will also prove her wrong.
5. Tell your teacher that she is harassing you. No lie in that. And it'll get her butt kicked. (Warning: you're now a rat. But a satisfied one)
6. Pull her aside after she makes a public embarrassment of you, and embarrass her by giving her verbal whiplash in front of everyone.
7. Make a big statement and tell her that if she wants to keep slandering you, she and her parents can expect a bill from your attorney. (like 10 year olds have attorneys, but those big words will scare the mean right out of her)
8. Have one of your friends tell this b*tch that your dad is running for president in 2012 and his first act will be enslaving everyone that speaks ill of your family to make tee shirts in Taiwan for .30 on the dollar.
9. Put a tuna sandwich in a secret little used compartment of her backpack. Wait. Nobody will know it was you.
10. Mess with her. Laughing at the people smirking at you is the best way to totally show people that you don't give a crap what they think.

Ridiculous List Number One: How To Lift A Mood

1. Eat chocolate, and alot of it. Become a freakin' conisseur of chocolate. Decide which ones you love the best, and it'll be that much more comforting when you need it.
2. Break brown bottles. Practice safe glass-shattering procedures when you attempt this. Throw them against trees. Then clean up your mess, or mom will kill you.
3. Try something you've never tried before. Drive past that Indian place a dozen times a week? Try it. Thought about learning how to plant things? Buy some potting soil. Want to travel somewhere? Get a job and save up for it.
4. Plan your wedding. I already do this. It's a great time killer. You don't have to be engaged to plan either. It's good to have an idea of what you like so you'll be excited when your time comes to tie the knot.
5. Dye your hair.
6. Rent a four wheeler.
7. Take a day trip to a small town, and explore every nook and cranny.
8. Buy a new cookbook
9. Randomly drop back into someone's life and demand that they spend time with you or you will shave their heads in their sleep. This is an awesome way to make friends.
10. Find something to laugh at. If not yourself, then something else.

Boys suck, throw cat poop at them

Ah, now little sister, I can preach to you about one of my most well-versed subjects. The male entirety. Be very wise in who you allow yourself to love. Attraction is human, but love is a choice. Make that choice wisely, because once it is made you have given that other person 100% control of you, whether you accept or deny that fact. Don't give that privilege to a guy who has no idea who he is, because he will change his mind about that, and about you. Find someone with a good head on their shoulders, who is pointed in a direction. Stick with your instincts. If you ever have a red flag moment where you think to yourself, "He is probably cheating on me." He probably is. Don't jump to conclusions, just adjust your commitment accordingly and wait for him to come out with it (or someone else if he's truly that much of a coward). Unfortunately, most of the "men" in your day, are raised by little boys in grown bodies. They are taught that if they benchpress, or drive a nice car... they are a man. Nevermind about providing. In this day and age, it's fine for the Mr. Moms of this era to sit back and let their wives make the living. Nevermind planning a life with a family in it. Even if a guy doesn't know if he wants a family just then, a sensible one will do his research and plan so that he at least has the option if he decides to have one. Daddy raised us to find men who were just as strong and ambitious as we are. We were raised to make something of ourselves, so do not degrade yourself to being with someone who makes stupid decisions and drags you down with him. I'm not saying that you can't be with a bluecollar man if you want to be. He doesn't have to bring in alot for it to be enough. Just make sure he is a good man. You are so smart. I can see it. And I get so excited watching you do your homework in advance, and ace your math that you were struggling with. If you let yourself, you can go so far. Don't let a boy manipulate you into losing that. Even if you are unsure, don't drop everything for him. A guy who loves you either works around what you want, or he finds a way to become a part of it. If you want to go travel, he would be the guy that would encourage it, or come with you. If you want to go back to school and get your masters, he'd be the first one to say, "Go ahead." And likewise, you need to be good to him. When you find a keeper, don't get too comfortable and think that you can treat him as you wish. He's a keeper because he's exactly what you want in a man, don't chase that off with moodiness. And Lord have mercy, don't you become one of these demanding high maintenance women who wants the moon and nothing but. As long as he's putting in effort, and trying, show him that you appreciate it. Trust me, appreciation goes a long way. Even if he brings you flowers and you comment later that you love how he did that. Guys thrive off of that approval, even though they like to pretend that they are too manly to care what a woman thinks. He cares, trust me. But on the same note, don't become a doormat. If I see "Welcome" written all over you, I am going to be livid. You weren't raised to let a guy take advantage of you. You're going to be a beautiful young lady, and Daddy raised you to know that you have options. As he says, "If this guy won't pay to take you out, another one will." Again, monetary value is not what it's all about. I'm talking about whether or not he puts in the effort. If there is no effort, and he is headstrong that he's not going to try anymore, then move on. But have discretion when deciding when to jump ship. Not every argument is the end of a season, and not every bickering is a sign that it won't work out. Sometimes he'll have a bad day, and he'll take it out on you, and trust me you'll do the same thing to him. There are always road bumps in relationships. Trust me. It's not pretty. So don't go into a relationship expecting butterflies and rainbows. It's messy and it hurts sometimes but all the while, it is worth it. Just be careful, little sister, with what you invest in.

Okay, so maybe this isn't about men just yet

Julia, there will be all kinds of girls in your life, just as there will be boys. Now, you may date these boys and be their friend, and discover the odd paradigm that is a female-male friendship... but girls are always different. From the time we are born, our mothers and our fathers can tell the difference between them and us. So naturally, being so hormonal and such chemical beings, the dynamic becomes interesting when we decide to befriend one of our own. The way females congregate, anywhere down the line from little girls to women, reminds me of a circle of pheromone-ridden female tigresses. We can't just be around eachother. We have to size eachother up, ruffle our plumage when we feel threatened to make ourselves seem bigger and more sufficient than we are, and we have to make preemptive moves, just in case that little hussy that you know nothing about maybe one day turns out to be an actual hussy. So women gossip and shred the reputations of one another because there is such striking power in numbers. It doesn't matter if any one of them knows differently that the individual in question is not a bad person, they will nod and agree like puppets because unfortunately that is all that most girls with so little gall are. Funny thing is, you will see this happen over and over again. You will hear a girl plant a bad seed about another, and within two years, they cross paths, actually get to know eachother, and become best friends. Never judge someone by what others say. I don't care if she is wearing a tube top and boy shorts to school everyday, you do not know her life. You only have the right to make a character judgement when you full well know that person's character. There are a couple people in this lifetime that I don't prefer, and that is because they have repeatedly hurt me or shown bad character. I know for a fact that these individuals are hurtful, unkind, and jealous creatures. Only then do you have a right to voice your opinion. Also, on that note. Be careful what comes out of your mouth. You can't trust many of the people that you think you can, and you can trust more than you think as well. But usually, thanks to human flaw, we put our trust in the wrong people. Figure out who those few worth trusting are, and stick with them. The perfect friend is one who can keep your darkest secrets and love you just the same with even though they have that knowledge. Regardless, you will encounter some catty girls in your life, but that is all they are... little girls in grown women's bodies. Sometimes I'm still trying to figure this one out, but I've been chalking it up to A) Insanity and/or personality complexes B) Jealousy or C) WTF.

This ones for the girls

We are raised in a society that says if we do not bow up and make a statement of ourselves that we are sexy, desirable, and fierce women, that we are effeminate or that we will never belong with the others. I see alot in you as a little girl that I saw in myself. Wobbly knees, and chicken legs. An eagerness to please others, and timidity when approaching a situation for fear of failure and rejection. Unfortunately, you will learn that rejection is inevitable. We all have to suck at something, pardon my French. For example, I suck at math. I really suck at playing sports. My limbs tend to get all entangled with eachother and it just gets awkward from there on. I really really suck at plucking my eyebrows. I get lazy and I don't find the energy or the vanity to look at myself in the mirror enough to say, "Oh hey, that's almost a unibrow, I should probably do something about that." So don't feel bad. We all have days like that where we get lazy, or we don't feel stunning, and it tears us down. But you can't let it stop you from trying new things and moving on with your life when things don't work out. Never lay down and let the negative things in life do a dance on your back. I'm guilty of that so often. You're like me in the sense that when you get upset, you let it ride you into town and back until you're all out of steam and you hate yourself. I'm not asking you to think you're the greenest grass on God's green earth, I'm asking you to have some pride in what God's given you. I will personally smack you, by the way, if you get cocky about it. I can't stand girls that are pretty and strut around like peacocks. I can already tell that you're going to be tall and skinny like me. Most girls would kill for a figure like that, remember that when you're too small to fit into adult clothes when all your friends can. Remember that when they are running around in bikinis and  have boobs before you. Yours will come in one day, I promise. And don't let mom tell you that you can't be proud of them. Wear that tank top, little sister. Just don't be a hoochie about it. Remember to have class, and elegance. It's such a fading idealism, but trust me, the right guy will respect you and love you for it. Stick to neutrals, I love black in the winter, and white in the summer. A simple pair of diamond studs is always more attractive than big hoops. Flats are always better for your feet and make the guys around you less self conscious. Never throw yourself at a guy, its okay to be flirty, and all. But don't go after him. Most guys already have an ego complex and think they are the... greenest grass on God's green earth, so go for one that is humble enough to realize what a prize you are. Find that happy medium between an egotistical masochist and a humble, confident, and level-headed old soul who knows what he wants in life. Direction is always a wonderful thing in a guy. If he knows what he's doing and chasing his ambitions, he won't have qualms about making a decision about chasing you. I know what my next post will be about... what makes a man.

For you, little sister

Basically, we never know how long we will be on this earth. I don't know why God has given me alot of insight into human relationships and function, but I want to share it with you, in case I don't make it to an age where you can understand all of this. Sorry -- it's morbid I know, but I never had an older sister, like you do in me and S. So I want to give you every tidbit of knowledge that I can jot down to help you survive some of the more stressful hardships in life, whether it be with boys, or feeling like you don't belong in your peer group. I've done it all, and I can speak from an educated point of view -- because I'm your sister, and I said so.